hey midnight swinger
worlds greatest skank. and jo is not a complete idiot.
thanks for your contribution to rumour and gossip, lying mcliarpants.
but uh, yeah. stop it.
looking for books
steal them for a bit?
dance magic dance
ok, for people who haven't seen recently; things that are making me happy this morning (although obviously this is not apparent from my expression, it's still before 8am people)
my hair is now green

and yes, that *is* a hobocore tshirt

things that are not necessarily where they should be
did i mention?)
fortunately, i called the gamesman, and they have it, so that is all
good, and I don't have to live without an eftpos card for more than
today.
and why was it at the gamesman? because i have a new game, and it
makes me GLEEFUL. it also makes me undeniably a total geek. its not
only a mmorpg, its the mmorpg that is d&d
online. luckily for you, i defy this by continuing to believe in
daily ablutions and attire that is shiny.
this morning, we find the cleaners have left my mp3 player here, with
a note claiming that it was "in one of the rubbish bins". quite how
it managed to unplug itself from the wall and move itself 3 metres to
the nearest rubbish bin is beyond me, but golly, those things are
getting smarter every day, ya know?
and i have found a way i can answer the latest consumating question of
the week despite not being experienced in the creation of mix tapes
and not having the requisite secret crush to make one for. that makes
me happy because i am a geek.
so all in all, a day that looked to be crap has turned out super so far.
am i the only one who has people taking lots of leave "but only if its fine"?
(no subject)
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today troughed with an ugly dispute over irreconcilable differences in words that i can never spell.
i have grown to adore the way that i cannot win any argument i am in any way emotionally invested in, as my opponent preys on my obvious weakness and exploits my devotion to the subject, regardless of what it is or who they may be. that is, for the less astute of you, a complete lie. i loathe it. i am fearful to even speak of anything i care about lest someone disagree with me; fearful that i be left, yet again, looking foolish, confused, and pathetic.
today peaked with the return to winter pyjamas and my first hot water bottle of the year
among other highlights were ·the continued nausea resultant from medication that i dare not abandon; ·a new boss who is apparently a goober but can probably be manipulated into believing me indispensable, if i am careful over the next few weeks; ·a broken boot that i noticed on the seventh time i have worn it since purchase (in two ways, no less); ·a stolen mp3 player that leaves me basically incapable of navigating the city streets without risk of violent crime; ·and a relatively excellent start to the day that dissipated almost immediately i came into contact with anyone i know as more than an acquaintance.
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wordsmith.org ftw.
weltschmerz (VELT-shmerts) noun
World weariness; pessimism, apathy, or sadness felt at the difference
between physical reality and the ideal state.
[From German Weltschmerz, from Welt (world) + Schmerz (pain).]
"I hate being told to have a good time! I'll feel the weltschmerz
if I want to."
Mari Sasano; Things to Do Today; Edmonton Journal (Canada); Dec 3, 2005.
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Lately i find myself stamping my feet a lot. Its transparent externalising, i know, but still. Stamping, jumping up and down, unable to make anything more meaningful result from this incessant propulsion into madness or product.¹ This is me grinding my teeth in incoherent rage at my inability to convert my frustrations into words. They leave me terrifyingly, forcefully mute.
My head is driving me constantly to do something, anything, that i won't be embarrassed to relate to other people. I'm going insane with the knowledge that i don't do anything with my life. I live in terror of the question "what do you do?". Not for the usual cliched "i'm not defined by my work" interpretation. I can handle those and throw them back in the face of anyone so presumptive. No, i'm in terror of the deeper meaning. What do i do? I don't do anything. Past experience has found that a statement like that kills any conversation dead.
My ability to interact is foundering on my paranoia that nothing i have ever done is worthwhile, comparatively, or interesting. So what do I mean by worthwhile?
I already know that my value system is based on creativity. (Which writes off all corporate endeavours, of course.) My internal measure is rated on how interesting and new a thing created is to other people. If it doesnt astonish anyone else with how great it is, its worse than nothing. I think possibly, worse than not having anything to say to that dread question, would be to be forced to admit that i do something that ends badly.
There has to be, at the end, something to hold up and of which can be declared "i did this" without causing embarassment. I think, if I had that, I might not have so much difficulty talking to people.
This whole dilemma is compounded by the expectation that other people seem to have that I will do something amazing. I have trouble enough with my own disappointment with my ineptitude, and then I get everyone I meet expecting me to do things I haven't as well.
¹Admittedly, theres something kind of fun about stamping your feet. I suspect, if i got the chance, i'd be pounding fists and feet on the floor in full two year old tantrum glory.
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This morning i received the larger xd card for my camera. This will allow me to take many many photos at once, without needing to empty the memory all the time. By lots, i mean 340 at 3024x2016 pixels. In a classic packaging fiasco, the card turned up in a box 200x250x120mm (6000000mm3). Xd cards measure 20x24x1mm (480mm3). So only a factor of 12500 off.
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I'm doing something that is killing my ability to think clearly. Is it listening to music all the time? Surely i'd be even more distracted by the blur of annoying other people noise. But then, that's a distant noise, where music is right in my ears usually. Maybe. I'm not sure what there is in the way of research into how that sort of thing affects stuff, beyond the old arguments for and against music while doing homework that never really had anything factual behind them on either side.
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(no subject)
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i am not generally inclined to post pictures of me.
in this case, i'm just saying. my new toy likes me.
i am having an ugly day, but it disagrees with me. this is the sort of behaviour that will avoid my hate.
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