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Lately i find myself stamping my feet a lot. Its transparent externalising, i know, but still. Stamping, jumping up and down, unable to make anything more meaningful result from this incessant propulsion into madness or product.¹ This is me grinding my teeth in incoherent rage at my inability to convert my frustrations into words. They leave me terrifyingly, forcefully mute.



My head is driving me constantly to do something, anything, that i won't be embarrassed to relate to other people. I'm going insane with the knowledge that i don't do anything with my life. I live in terror of the question "what do you do?". Not for the usual cliched "i'm not defined by my work" interpretation. I can handle those and throw them back in the face of anyone so presumptive. No, i'm in terror of the deeper meaning. What do i do? I don't do anything. Past experience has found that a statement like that kills any conversation dead.



My ability to interact is foundering on my paranoia that nothing i have ever done is worthwhile, comparatively, or interesting. So what do I mean by worthwhile?



I already know that my value system is based on creativity. (Which writes off all corporate endeavours, of course.) My internal measure is rated on how interesting and new a thing created is to other people. If it doesnt astonish anyone else with how great it is, its worse than nothing. I think possibly, worse than not having anything to say to that dread question, would be to be forced to admit that i do something that ends badly.



There has to be, at the end, something to hold up and of which can be declared "i did this" without causing embarassment. I think, if I had that, I might not have so much difficulty talking to people.



This whole dilemma is compounded by the expectation that other people seem to have that I will do something amazing. I have trouble enough with my own disappointment with my ineptitude, and then I get everyone I meet expecting me to do things I haven't as well.



¹Admittedly, theres something kind of fun about stamping your feet. I suspect, if i got the chance, i'd be pounding fists and feet on the floor in full two year old tantrum glory.


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This morning i received the larger xd card for my camera. This will allow me to take many many photos at once, without needing to empty the memory all the time. By lots, i mean 340 at 3024x2016 pixels. In a classic packaging fiasco, the card turned up in a box 200x250x120mm (6000000mm3). Xd cards measure 20x24x1mm (480mm3). So only a factor of 12500 off.


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I'm doing something that is killing my ability to think clearly. Is it listening to music all the time? Surely i'd be even more distracted by the blur of annoying other people noise. But then, that's a distant noise, where music is right in my ears usually. Maybe. I'm not sure what there is in the way of research into how that sort of thing affects stuff, beyond the old arguments for and against music while doing homework that never really had anything factual behind them on either side.


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[User Picture]
On March 6th, 2006 08:54 am (UTC), thirstygirl commented:
oh i know the tempatation of stamping one's foot and shouting very well. sometimes it feels like my throat is swelling up with all these words i don't let myself say. one day i am going to buy a lot of crockery and have a breakfest.

i am noticing a difference between listening to music on the mp3 player vs stereo- mp3 player makes the sound be right inside your head, it's harder to tune it out. Whereas i find music on speakers distracts the not helpful part of my brain, leaving the rest of it free to actually *think*. Also because of the music at the gym/to and from work/on works etc, when I am at home I am much more unlikely to play music. It's like i need a certain amount of non-music time.
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